S H O U T !

In the mourning.

I’ve had abandonment issues since Rylan, but it wasn’t until my grandma died that they became a real problem. It made me, an already needy, clingy girl, even more needy. When I met skylar, I was still hung up on Ian. Ian only ever made the feelings of abandonment worsen. Then there was skylar, who- despite his many issues and problems with being self absorbed, was the first person to look at my issues… And not run away. He was the only person I’ve been with who never gave up on me. Even now, he wants to talk… And hang out, and fix things. Only now- I can’t do it. I broke. After promising to the heavens, to myself, I promised that he would be the one thing I never gave up on. It was a dumb promise I made one emotional night but the funny thing is- it was one of the first things in my life to ever remain consistent. I’m all over the place, have little balance and stability, no schedule…. So to give up on the one thing I’ve managed to hold onto for so long…. It feels like I simply cut a hole in my stomach and emptied the remains in the trash. It feels like I’m worthless again. Why do I have to give up the one person who never gave up on me? For pride? Because I’m tired? I give myself reasons but if I still love him so much, than shouldn’t that be enough? Why shouldn’t two people who love each other be together? Because there are too many things to work through? Because its too “hard”? That’s no excuse. I have my reasons, but my broken heart won’t seem to let me get them out right now. I suppose the lesson I’ve always needed to learn finally needs to be dealt with. I need to learn stability, balance, and emotional strength on my own. I have to become fully independent and self sustaining. No more weak shit. It’s why I have to do this. I won’t let myself keep giving up on things over and over and over again. I have the attention span of a goldfish, change my mind all the time, and am still unstable- even if I’m still more stable than I used to be. I need to work on me more, first. For once, I need to do this. For once, I need to do this for me.

Even if I’m breaking my own heart.